Foreword - by The Genie
I'm going to hold my hands up and say I've been slightly crass with this title, taking the pathos of Band Aid's message and turning it basically into a joke about Sontarans.
But, here you go. It's that kind of story; you'll either love it or you'll hate it - if you can sit back and enjoy stupid Sontarans, you'll enjoy it. If you can't, you won't.
And I didn't write it! Again, the wonderful Lewis Hurst has contributed this episode. He's also writing next week's. Lots of hard work. I've been putting the pressure on. Come on. You all know it's what I'm good at.
But, here you go. It's that kind of story; you'll either love it or you'll hate it - if you can sit back and enjoy stupid Sontarans, you'll enjoy it. If you can't, you won't.
And I didn't write it! Again, the wonderful Lewis Hurst has contributed this episode. He's also writing next week's. Lots of hard work. I've been putting the pressure on. Come on. You all know it's what I'm good at.
Do They Know It's Christmas? - Written by Lewis Robinson-Hurst
Sontaran commander Vaag flexed his fingers at the controls of his flight pod. The planet Trenzalore was far below, approaching fast. Vaag licked his lips, thirsty for the bloodshed sure to come. The honour and glory of forcing the Doctor to bring back the Time Lords would be his. They would speak of this day for generations to come on Sontar. The return of the Time Lords would see the greatest war in all of history begin again. And the Sontarans would be at the centre of it and emerge victorious. He would get a title. Vaag the Warbringer. Yes. That sounded good.
The pod shook slightly as it entered the planet’s upper atmosphere. Nothing to worry about. There was always slight turbulence. Vaag checked he had all his weapons needed to invade the town. Yes. A simple gun and a few grenades should do it. Vaag grinned and licked his lips. His hunger for blood grew. He increased speed, eager to land as soon as possible. Suddenly he noticed a red blinking light on his console. He looked over to try and determine what it mea-
The pod crashed into the shield surrounding the planet Trenzalore and exploded. Tasha Lem watched from a holographic display.
“How many is that now?” she asked.
“Err... fourth one this morning Mother Superious,” a Cleric responded.
Tasha shook her head. When were they going to learn that they couldn’t just fly down to the planet? Tasha stretched and left the room, beginning the walk back to her private chapel. She chuckled to herself. What was she thinking? It’s not as if Sontarans were famed for their intelligence.
“The planet is impenetrable. The shield stops all entry using technology,” the Sontaran at the computer console reported.
Commander Skarr frowned. His bulbous potato head looked slightly humorous in the full light.
“We’ll obviously have to find another way to land. There must be a way. The Doctor managed to get through, so can we.”
“Commander Skarr! The prisoner is ready!” Another Sontaran called.
“Excellent!”
“I keep telling you, I don’t know how to get past the shield!” yelled the human captive. He had been picked up flying a one man vessel away from the Papal Mainframe. Supply run or carrying a message they didn’t care. The Sontarans only wanted answers.
“You were on the Papal Mainframe!” Interrogated Skarr, “The Papal Mainframe shielded the planet! So you know how to get past the shield!”
“The only people who know how to deactivate the shield are Colonel Albero and the Mother Superious! I don’t know anything!”
Skarr growled. He pulled out his gun and shot the man in the chest. The man yelled in pain and collapsed.
“Humans respond well to pain. Now answer my questions or I shoot again!” Skarr growled.
Silence. The man lay in a crumpled heap.
“Speak now or I shoot again!” Skarr shouted.
Another Sontaran stepped forwards and kneeled over the man. He turned back to Skarr.
“Commander Skarr, I do believe you have terminated the life of this puny flesh bag.”
“Nonesense!” Said Skarr, “He’s probably sleeping! The pain was too much for him so he’s resting! Puny human! Leave him until he decides to speak!”
“But Commander... I really do think he’s dead...”
“Silence! Unless if you want to be sent back to Sontar for a court martial and summary execution?!” Skarr asked.
The Sontaran fell silent.
“I thought so,” said Skarr.
Skarr walked back into the control room and stared at Trenzalore on the viewing screen. He smiled.
“Soon Doctor,” he said, “Soon.”
The Doctor stretched casually. He wandered about the clock tower. He checked his watch. He checked his watch again. He tapped his toes impatiently. Handles, who had been thrown on a nearby desk out of annoyance earlier, beeped. The Doctor eyed the robot head annoyed.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, “She’s usually here by now. She’s never been this late before.”
“Statement unverified. Identity of “she” requested,” Handles replied.
“The TARDIS!” the Doctor yelled, “I only sent her to drop Clara back at home and then come straight back! What on earth could she be doing?”
There was a knock at the door.
“Not now I’m busy!” the Doctor shouted.
“Correction. The Doctor is unoccupied,” Handles said.
“Quiet you!”
“I have developed a fault.”
“Shut up!”
There was another knock at the door.
“You can’t stay in there forever you know,” a female voice said, “You have to come out sometime.”
“No I don’t. Who says I do?”
“Me.”
“Who’s me?”
“April.”
“April?” the Doctor asked.
“April? The girl you met on the clocktower steps and spoke to? Remember?” April asked.
“Oh yes! You had a nice name and were very inquisitive. That’s how it always starts.”
The Doctor opened the door. April stood there wrapped up nicely in a woollen coat, scarf, hat and gloves. She held a steaming bowl in her hands.
“What’s that?” the Doctor asked.
“Soup,” she said, “You haven’t eaten in a week.”
“A week? It’s really been a week?” the Doctor asked.
“Yes. Didn’t you notice?” April asked surprised.
“No. Not really. I’ve kind of been occupied. Like wondering where my TARDIS is.”
“TARDIS? That’s the blue box thing isn’t it? It vanished.”
“Yes it vanished. It does that an awful lot actually. I don’t know why. But it usually comes back. Except it hasn’t this time. I still don’t know why.” He started to pace, tapping his chin and occasionally his head.
April looked about the clock tower. Most of the junk had been cleared to one side. The desk had been cleared, apart from Handles, and the fireplace was now burning a warm fire. April noticed an old rocking chair had been placed near the fire and the remains of an old ugly table were stacked near it. Presumably as firewood.
“I like what you’ve done with the place,” she said with a smile.
The Doctor stopped pacing and turned to her confused.
“You do? I thought it looked a bit drab myself,” he saw her face. “Oh. Oh you’re joking. Right. Need to learn when people do that.”
“Sorry. I can’t help it. This place just gives me an urge to speak the truth.”
“Yet you still master sarcasm to a fine art,” muttered the Doctor.
April grabbed him by the arm with a smile and pulled him to the rocking chair. She sat him down and placed the bowl of soup in his hands.
“Eat,” she said, “You’ll feel better.”
The Doctor tucked in. He babbled in between sips.
“You know I knew Henry the Eighth cook. He could make a mean soup. Excellent cook. Everything he made was delicious. No wonder Henry was so...well...you know...fat.”
April giggled.
“I have no idea what you’re on about,” she said.
“Just smile and nod when I pause for breath. It’s what Amy did.” The Doctor froze, a twinge of pain in his hearts.
“So, haha,” he laughed changing the subject, “What’s new in town?” he asked.
“Not a lot. Same old same old. Although...there was those burning lights in the sky this morn-“
The Doctor leapt to his feet. He grabbed April by the arm.
“Burning lights?! Where?! Why did no one tell me?!”
“Out in the woods by the Williamson’s farm!” April cried.
The Doctor grinned.
“Action at last!” he shouted. He ran over to the desk, grabbed Handles and then grabbed April’s hand.
“Come on. Let’s go down to the woods today. We’ll sure get a big surprise.”
Skarr eyed Captain Staig suspiciously.
“You’re sure this will work?” he asked.
“Yes sir,” Staig replied, “Momentarily turning off all technology as we descend to the planet should allow us to bypass the shield.”
Skarr smiled.
“Excellent. Prepare the invasion force. We attack tonight.”
The Doctor charged ahead through the woods. April could hardly keep up. She tried her best to keep moving but the snow was too deep. Instead she fell to a slow trudge while the Doctor bounded ahead, his feet barely touching the floor as he almost glided across the snow.
“Come on April!” he called.
She sighed, took a deep breath and slugged through the snow after him.
The Sontaran pods landed in a small clearing. By turning the technology onto minimum, they’d been able to bypass the shield. Skarr watched as the portable command base was set up. He clicked his fingers and several Sontarans gathered around him.
“Now then,” he said, “We must devise a strategy to invade the town of Christmas. Now, we need intel which means a scouting mission. We know the settlement is named ‘Christmas’ so that means the humans there worship the deity Santa. One of us will disguise ourselves as this Santa and trick the humans into revealing the location of the Doctor. A small scouting party will join him in order to provide backup should things turn sour.”
“Excellent stratagey sir!” Staig cried. “But who will dress as this ‘Santa’?”
“It’s just up here,” April said pointing ahead.
The Doctor charged ahead and stopped. He turned back to April and beckoned. She ran up and gaped. A sea of debris was before them. Small fires still burned. The Doctor stepped forward slowly.
“Sontaran Pods... or what’s left of them anyway,” he said.
“Sontrans?” asked April.
“Sontarans,” the Doctor corrected, “Warrior race born and bred to wage war. If they’re trying to land here, now, then it can’t be good. It can’t be good at all.”
“But why would they be here? What could they want here? There’s nothing here!” April said.
“Well... you know when I mentioned that crack that if I open it will start the biggest war ever in time and space?”
“Yes?”
“Well imagine what a race born to wage war could want with it.”
“Oh.”
“There you go.”
“So just hide?” April queried. “If the Sontarans can’t find you, they’ll give up and leave won’t they?”
The Doctor laughed.
“I wish it was that simple. If they can’t find me, the Sontarans will try and lure me out by killing everyone on the planet.”
“Ah. So not a good idea to hide then?” April said sarcastically.
“No not really.”
“Well at least all their pods crashed.”
“True. There’s that at least.”
There was a noise. The Doctor grabbed April and ducked behind a piece of huge debris. Handles beeped.
“Lifeforms detected. Planet of origin: Sontar.”
The Doctor clamped a hand over Handles’s mouth.
“Shut up!” he hissed.
The Doctor poked his head over the debris.
“Ah.”
He ducked back down.
“What is it?” April asked.
The Doctor grimaced.
“Imagine a whole plate of bad, then add a side serving of not good with a whole desert of really horrible. It’s a million times worse than that,” he said.
“But what is it?”
“Sontarans. A small group of Sontarans. And,” he looked over the debris again. He ducked back down confused. “Apparently one dressed as Santa...”
Staig grumbled in the Santa costume. They’d raided a small human farm for the necessary materials for the costume. Staig crept into the town. The scout party behind him crept into various houses. Staig stepped into the square.
“Mummy look! Santa!” A young girl cried. She ran up to Staig with a big grin on her face. She hugged Staig and looked up at him with a huge smile.
“Santa,” she said, “for Christmas this year I was a new toy horse!” she said.
Staig looked at her confused.
“Why would you want a toy horse? Here boy. Take these.” Staig reached into his pockets and handed the small girl several small round objects. “Grenades. Perfect for destroying ones enemies for the glory of the Sontaran empire!”
The girl’s mother ran over shocked.
“What the devil are you playing at?!” she cried.
“Silence human scum!” shouted Staig.
Various other villagers stopped now and looked at Staig.
“What are you all staring at, human scum?”
Sontaran captain Borg the Destroyer crept under the table. He felt like a coward. It was no worthy place for a Sontaran warrior to hide. He grumbled. Suddenly, he heard footsteps. People started talking. This was the perfect opportunity to gather valuable intel. He slowly pulled out his portable cutting device and cut a hole the rough shape of his head. He stuck his head through and observed. The humans were sitting down talking. One of them, an elderly fellow, glanced at Borg. Borg froze.
“Mildred,” he said in a wheezy voice, “I don’t much like the look of your Christmas pudding. It appears to have gone off.”
“Christmas pudding?” A woman asked, “What Christmas pudding?”
Then she saw Borg. And screamed.
Archibald Sawyer grumpily woke up. He’d been having a quick nap, things had been slow for the past week or so, but now it sounded as if the entire town was knocking on his door. Typical. The one time he planned a slow day, everyone wanted him. Archie pulled open the door and saw, to his shock, over half the town at his door. In front of them, tied up, were two of the strangest creatures he had ever seen.
“Sheriff,” said one of the townsfolk, “We have a problem.”
The Doctor dashed through the snow, even faster than he was when he charged towards the crash earlier. Handles looked almost comical as he was swung in the Doctor’s arms. April struggled to keep up yet again.
“Come on!” called the Doctor, “The Sontarans have a head start on us! We have to warn everyone!”
April stumbled, found her feet and ran after him. The Doctor slowed down a little as they reached the town, allowing April to catch up and run at his side, even though he was going at a leisurely jog.
“So what do these Sontarans want?” April asked.
“To open the crack and wage war across the universe.” The Doctor replied.
“Oh that’s not too bad. It could have been worse, like they were going to kick puppies or something.” April said with an edge of sarcasm.
The Doctor grinned.
“I think I’m going to like you April.” He said, and with some poorly-hidden admiration – “you’ve beaten a truth field with sarcasm. That’s quite an accomplishment.”
She couldn’t help but blush slightly.
The Doctor grabbed her and pulled her away from the trees.
“Don’t go there.” He said.
“What?” she asked confused.
He pointed past her.
“That clearing. Stay away from it. It’s infested with Weeping Angels. I need to do something about them at some point.”
“Weeping Angels?” she asked.
The Doctor grimaced.
“I’ll explain later.”
The Doctor and April ran into the town. Nothing. There was not a soul to be seen, human or Sontaran. Fires crackled lonely in their torches and lamps. The Doctor spun about.
“Where is everyone?” he asked.
“If there’s a problem, I expect they’ll all be in the town hall.” April said.
“Brilliant!” shouted the Doctor and ran off. Then he stopped. He looked about in various directions confused. He ran back to April.
“And...err...” he said awkwardly, “Where is the town hall?”
April smiled.
“It’s this way, come on.” She said, running in the opposite direction.
The Doctor followed.
WHAM!
The Doctor bounced off something and fell to the ground. He reached up with his hand and felt in front of him. Something was invisible. He grabbed Handles and shook him furiously.
“You could have told me that was there!” he shouted.
“I have developed a fault.” Said Handles.
“Oh yeah? That’s your answer to everything.” The Doctor replied and got to his feet. He looked at the invisible object in front of him.
“Shielded so as to not set off the alarms upstairs... hmm... looks like a basic camouflage matrix which means!” he scanned it with his Sonic Screwdriver. “I thought so! A simple code keeping it locked as invisible. Still, easily fixed.” The Doctor whistled and shoved his sonic back into his pocket then ran to catch up with April.
The Doctor and April ran up the town hall steps and barged in. The entire town was packed into it. Archie stood on the stage, two bound Sontarans on either side, and was trying to keep the crowd calm. Badly. The Doctor bounded up onto the stage, placed his finger on his lips and shushed.
Everyone fell silent.
“Oh that still works!” the Doctor said.
“What are you doing?!” hissed Archie.
“Taking control of the situation.” The Doctor replied.
The Doctor turned to the crowd.
“Right then. This lot,” he pointed at the two captive Sontarans, “are part of a larger force. They’re coming to destroy this town. But! We can stop them! They have one weakness. Observe.”
He reached forward and snatched a hammer from a workman’s belt. He walked up to one of the captive Sontarans and whacked it on the back of the neck. The Sontaran gasped in pain and collapsed unconscious. The Doctor twirled the hammer.
“See? One good hit on the back of the neck and they’re out. So? Who here is a good shot?”
Several people raised their hands, including a few children.
“Do we have any weapons?”
People shook their heads. The Doctor frowned.
“Hmm. I’ll have to rethink this. Give me a minute.”
Then he got it.
“I have a plan.”
He grabbed Archie and whispered in his ear.
“You’re mad!” shouted Archie.
“Mad? Or just brilliant?” the Doctor asked.
Archie said nothing.
“Mad then.” The Doctor said.
In the middle of the town, in his invisible tank, Skarr waited for his scouts to report in. Nothing. He grumbled. This was taking too long. Then suddenly-
“Commander Skarr! Commander Skarr! Report!” Staig’s voice came through.
“Report Staig!” Skarr responded.
“The humans captured me, but I managed to escape! They plan to launch a defensive move against us in front of the clock tower! They’re gathering there now!”
“Excellent! We will crush them like the insects they are! Invasion force! You have your orders! For the glory of Sontar!” Skarr roared.
The Sontarans slowly marched into the town square. Something didn’t feel right. There was no one there. It felt wrong. Like it was a trap...
“NOW!” screamed the Doctor.
The Sontarans began to drop like flies. Each one being hit in the back of the neck with a snowball. The Doctor watched with pride from his spot on the rooftops as the citizens of Christmas threw snowball after snowball. After a while, all of the Sontarans were down. The Doctor grinned. Now there was just one last thing to deal with. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver... and pressed the button.
“Invasion force report! Report! Report!” yelled Skarr. He was frustrated. A small alarm began to beep. The Sontaran next to him looked about confused.
“Commander Skarr! That’s the detection warning! Our invisibility is compromised!” he yelled.
“What’s wrong with it?” asked Skarr.
“I don’t know! I can’t see it!” yelled the other Sontaran.
“Well it looks invisible to me.” Said Skarr and he whacked a button to his side. Then he realised he could see his arm...
The tank exploded as a huge ray from above blasted it. When the smoke cleared, nothing was left of it apart from smoke and fire.
“The Papal Mainframe apologises for your death,” a huge booming voice announced, “The relevant afterlives have been notified.”
The Doctor looked down. The unconscious Sontarans below had been dealt the same fate. He grimaced. Tasha’s way of doing things was certainly not to his liking.
The remaining Sontarans on the ship panicked. What to do? Suddenly, a message blared through.
“We seek boarding. Grant permission.” A Sontaran voice boomed.
The Sontarans obeyed and granted permission.
The docking bay doors opened and a Sontaran flight craft landed. A large force of Sontarans disembarked.
One of the Sontarans walked forward to greet the newcomers.
“Good that you’re here, we are in dire need of-“
He never finished. The new Sontarns blasted him away. Before the other Sontarans could speak, the newcomomers blasted them all and worked their way through the ship, killing wherever they went. With their deed done, the Sontarans removed their helmets. One of them walked over to one of the fallen. He spat on the corpse.
“Impure scum. A disgrace to Sontaran purity.” He turned to the assembled Sontarans.
“We will be the ones to capture the Doctor, conquer Trenzalore and begin war! Sontar ha!”
“Sontar ha! Sontar ha!” chanted the Sontarans.
The pod shook slightly as it entered the planet’s upper atmosphere. Nothing to worry about. There was always slight turbulence. Vaag checked he had all his weapons needed to invade the town. Yes. A simple gun and a few grenades should do it. Vaag grinned and licked his lips. His hunger for blood grew. He increased speed, eager to land as soon as possible. Suddenly he noticed a red blinking light on his console. He looked over to try and determine what it mea-
The pod crashed into the shield surrounding the planet Trenzalore and exploded. Tasha Lem watched from a holographic display.
“How many is that now?” she asked.
“Err... fourth one this morning Mother Superious,” a Cleric responded.
Tasha shook her head. When were they going to learn that they couldn’t just fly down to the planet? Tasha stretched and left the room, beginning the walk back to her private chapel. She chuckled to herself. What was she thinking? It’s not as if Sontarans were famed for their intelligence.
“The planet is impenetrable. The shield stops all entry using technology,” the Sontaran at the computer console reported.
Commander Skarr frowned. His bulbous potato head looked slightly humorous in the full light.
“We’ll obviously have to find another way to land. There must be a way. The Doctor managed to get through, so can we.”
“Commander Skarr! The prisoner is ready!” Another Sontaran called.
“Excellent!”
“I keep telling you, I don’t know how to get past the shield!” yelled the human captive. He had been picked up flying a one man vessel away from the Papal Mainframe. Supply run or carrying a message they didn’t care. The Sontarans only wanted answers.
“You were on the Papal Mainframe!” Interrogated Skarr, “The Papal Mainframe shielded the planet! So you know how to get past the shield!”
“The only people who know how to deactivate the shield are Colonel Albero and the Mother Superious! I don’t know anything!”
Skarr growled. He pulled out his gun and shot the man in the chest. The man yelled in pain and collapsed.
“Humans respond well to pain. Now answer my questions or I shoot again!” Skarr growled.
Silence. The man lay in a crumpled heap.
“Speak now or I shoot again!” Skarr shouted.
Another Sontaran stepped forwards and kneeled over the man. He turned back to Skarr.
“Commander Skarr, I do believe you have terminated the life of this puny flesh bag.”
“Nonesense!” Said Skarr, “He’s probably sleeping! The pain was too much for him so he’s resting! Puny human! Leave him until he decides to speak!”
“But Commander... I really do think he’s dead...”
“Silence! Unless if you want to be sent back to Sontar for a court martial and summary execution?!” Skarr asked.
The Sontaran fell silent.
“I thought so,” said Skarr.
Skarr walked back into the control room and stared at Trenzalore on the viewing screen. He smiled.
“Soon Doctor,” he said, “Soon.”
The Doctor stretched casually. He wandered about the clock tower. He checked his watch. He checked his watch again. He tapped his toes impatiently. Handles, who had been thrown on a nearby desk out of annoyance earlier, beeped. The Doctor eyed the robot head annoyed.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, “She’s usually here by now. She’s never been this late before.”
“Statement unverified. Identity of “she” requested,” Handles replied.
“The TARDIS!” the Doctor yelled, “I only sent her to drop Clara back at home and then come straight back! What on earth could she be doing?”
There was a knock at the door.
“Not now I’m busy!” the Doctor shouted.
“Correction. The Doctor is unoccupied,” Handles said.
“Quiet you!”
“I have developed a fault.”
“Shut up!”
There was another knock at the door.
“You can’t stay in there forever you know,” a female voice said, “You have to come out sometime.”
“No I don’t. Who says I do?”
“Me.”
“Who’s me?”
“April.”
“April?” the Doctor asked.
“April? The girl you met on the clocktower steps and spoke to? Remember?” April asked.
“Oh yes! You had a nice name and were very inquisitive. That’s how it always starts.”
The Doctor opened the door. April stood there wrapped up nicely in a woollen coat, scarf, hat and gloves. She held a steaming bowl in her hands.
“What’s that?” the Doctor asked.
“Soup,” she said, “You haven’t eaten in a week.”
“A week? It’s really been a week?” the Doctor asked.
“Yes. Didn’t you notice?” April asked surprised.
“No. Not really. I’ve kind of been occupied. Like wondering where my TARDIS is.”
“TARDIS? That’s the blue box thing isn’t it? It vanished.”
“Yes it vanished. It does that an awful lot actually. I don’t know why. But it usually comes back. Except it hasn’t this time. I still don’t know why.” He started to pace, tapping his chin and occasionally his head.
April looked about the clock tower. Most of the junk had been cleared to one side. The desk had been cleared, apart from Handles, and the fireplace was now burning a warm fire. April noticed an old rocking chair had been placed near the fire and the remains of an old ugly table were stacked near it. Presumably as firewood.
“I like what you’ve done with the place,” she said with a smile.
The Doctor stopped pacing and turned to her confused.
“You do? I thought it looked a bit drab myself,” he saw her face. “Oh. Oh you’re joking. Right. Need to learn when people do that.”
“Sorry. I can’t help it. This place just gives me an urge to speak the truth.”
“Yet you still master sarcasm to a fine art,” muttered the Doctor.
April grabbed him by the arm with a smile and pulled him to the rocking chair. She sat him down and placed the bowl of soup in his hands.
“Eat,” she said, “You’ll feel better.”
The Doctor tucked in. He babbled in between sips.
“You know I knew Henry the Eighth cook. He could make a mean soup. Excellent cook. Everything he made was delicious. No wonder Henry was so...well...you know...fat.”
April giggled.
“I have no idea what you’re on about,” she said.
“Just smile and nod when I pause for breath. It’s what Amy did.” The Doctor froze, a twinge of pain in his hearts.
“So, haha,” he laughed changing the subject, “What’s new in town?” he asked.
“Not a lot. Same old same old. Although...there was those burning lights in the sky this morn-“
The Doctor leapt to his feet. He grabbed April by the arm.
“Burning lights?! Where?! Why did no one tell me?!”
“Out in the woods by the Williamson’s farm!” April cried.
The Doctor grinned.
“Action at last!” he shouted. He ran over to the desk, grabbed Handles and then grabbed April’s hand.
“Come on. Let’s go down to the woods today. We’ll sure get a big surprise.”
Skarr eyed Captain Staig suspiciously.
“You’re sure this will work?” he asked.
“Yes sir,” Staig replied, “Momentarily turning off all technology as we descend to the planet should allow us to bypass the shield.”
Skarr smiled.
“Excellent. Prepare the invasion force. We attack tonight.”
The Doctor charged ahead through the woods. April could hardly keep up. She tried her best to keep moving but the snow was too deep. Instead she fell to a slow trudge while the Doctor bounded ahead, his feet barely touching the floor as he almost glided across the snow.
“Come on April!” he called.
She sighed, took a deep breath and slugged through the snow after him.
The Sontaran pods landed in a small clearing. By turning the technology onto minimum, they’d been able to bypass the shield. Skarr watched as the portable command base was set up. He clicked his fingers and several Sontarans gathered around him.
“Now then,” he said, “We must devise a strategy to invade the town of Christmas. Now, we need intel which means a scouting mission. We know the settlement is named ‘Christmas’ so that means the humans there worship the deity Santa. One of us will disguise ourselves as this Santa and trick the humans into revealing the location of the Doctor. A small scouting party will join him in order to provide backup should things turn sour.”
“Excellent stratagey sir!” Staig cried. “But who will dress as this ‘Santa’?”
“It’s just up here,” April said pointing ahead.
The Doctor charged ahead and stopped. He turned back to April and beckoned. She ran up and gaped. A sea of debris was before them. Small fires still burned. The Doctor stepped forward slowly.
“Sontaran Pods... or what’s left of them anyway,” he said.
“Sontrans?” asked April.
“Sontarans,” the Doctor corrected, “Warrior race born and bred to wage war. If they’re trying to land here, now, then it can’t be good. It can’t be good at all.”
“But why would they be here? What could they want here? There’s nothing here!” April said.
“Well... you know when I mentioned that crack that if I open it will start the biggest war ever in time and space?”
“Yes?”
“Well imagine what a race born to wage war could want with it.”
“Oh.”
“There you go.”
“So just hide?” April queried. “If the Sontarans can’t find you, they’ll give up and leave won’t they?”
The Doctor laughed.
“I wish it was that simple. If they can’t find me, the Sontarans will try and lure me out by killing everyone on the planet.”
“Ah. So not a good idea to hide then?” April said sarcastically.
“No not really.”
“Well at least all their pods crashed.”
“True. There’s that at least.”
There was a noise. The Doctor grabbed April and ducked behind a piece of huge debris. Handles beeped.
“Lifeforms detected. Planet of origin: Sontar.”
The Doctor clamped a hand over Handles’s mouth.
“Shut up!” he hissed.
The Doctor poked his head over the debris.
“Ah.”
He ducked back down.
“What is it?” April asked.
The Doctor grimaced.
“Imagine a whole plate of bad, then add a side serving of not good with a whole desert of really horrible. It’s a million times worse than that,” he said.
“But what is it?”
“Sontarans. A small group of Sontarans. And,” he looked over the debris again. He ducked back down confused. “Apparently one dressed as Santa...”
Staig grumbled in the Santa costume. They’d raided a small human farm for the necessary materials for the costume. Staig crept into the town. The scout party behind him crept into various houses. Staig stepped into the square.
“Mummy look! Santa!” A young girl cried. She ran up to Staig with a big grin on her face. She hugged Staig and looked up at him with a huge smile.
“Santa,” she said, “for Christmas this year I was a new toy horse!” she said.
Staig looked at her confused.
“Why would you want a toy horse? Here boy. Take these.” Staig reached into his pockets and handed the small girl several small round objects. “Grenades. Perfect for destroying ones enemies for the glory of the Sontaran empire!”
The girl’s mother ran over shocked.
“What the devil are you playing at?!” she cried.
“Silence human scum!” shouted Staig.
Various other villagers stopped now and looked at Staig.
“What are you all staring at, human scum?”
Sontaran captain Borg the Destroyer crept under the table. He felt like a coward. It was no worthy place for a Sontaran warrior to hide. He grumbled. Suddenly, he heard footsteps. People started talking. This was the perfect opportunity to gather valuable intel. He slowly pulled out his portable cutting device and cut a hole the rough shape of his head. He stuck his head through and observed. The humans were sitting down talking. One of them, an elderly fellow, glanced at Borg. Borg froze.
“Mildred,” he said in a wheezy voice, “I don’t much like the look of your Christmas pudding. It appears to have gone off.”
“Christmas pudding?” A woman asked, “What Christmas pudding?”
Then she saw Borg. And screamed.
Archibald Sawyer grumpily woke up. He’d been having a quick nap, things had been slow for the past week or so, but now it sounded as if the entire town was knocking on his door. Typical. The one time he planned a slow day, everyone wanted him. Archie pulled open the door and saw, to his shock, over half the town at his door. In front of them, tied up, were two of the strangest creatures he had ever seen.
“Sheriff,” said one of the townsfolk, “We have a problem.”
The Doctor dashed through the snow, even faster than he was when he charged towards the crash earlier. Handles looked almost comical as he was swung in the Doctor’s arms. April struggled to keep up yet again.
“Come on!” called the Doctor, “The Sontarans have a head start on us! We have to warn everyone!”
April stumbled, found her feet and ran after him. The Doctor slowed down a little as they reached the town, allowing April to catch up and run at his side, even though he was going at a leisurely jog.
“So what do these Sontarans want?” April asked.
“To open the crack and wage war across the universe.” The Doctor replied.
“Oh that’s not too bad. It could have been worse, like they were going to kick puppies or something.” April said with an edge of sarcasm.
The Doctor grinned.
“I think I’m going to like you April.” He said, and with some poorly-hidden admiration – “you’ve beaten a truth field with sarcasm. That’s quite an accomplishment.”
She couldn’t help but blush slightly.
The Doctor grabbed her and pulled her away from the trees.
“Don’t go there.” He said.
“What?” she asked confused.
He pointed past her.
“That clearing. Stay away from it. It’s infested with Weeping Angels. I need to do something about them at some point.”
“Weeping Angels?” she asked.
The Doctor grimaced.
“I’ll explain later.”
The Doctor and April ran into the town. Nothing. There was not a soul to be seen, human or Sontaran. Fires crackled lonely in their torches and lamps. The Doctor spun about.
“Where is everyone?” he asked.
“If there’s a problem, I expect they’ll all be in the town hall.” April said.
“Brilliant!” shouted the Doctor and ran off. Then he stopped. He looked about in various directions confused. He ran back to April.
“And...err...” he said awkwardly, “Where is the town hall?”
April smiled.
“It’s this way, come on.” She said, running in the opposite direction.
The Doctor followed.
WHAM!
The Doctor bounced off something and fell to the ground. He reached up with his hand and felt in front of him. Something was invisible. He grabbed Handles and shook him furiously.
“You could have told me that was there!” he shouted.
“I have developed a fault.” Said Handles.
“Oh yeah? That’s your answer to everything.” The Doctor replied and got to his feet. He looked at the invisible object in front of him.
“Shielded so as to not set off the alarms upstairs... hmm... looks like a basic camouflage matrix which means!” he scanned it with his Sonic Screwdriver. “I thought so! A simple code keeping it locked as invisible. Still, easily fixed.” The Doctor whistled and shoved his sonic back into his pocket then ran to catch up with April.
The Doctor and April ran up the town hall steps and barged in. The entire town was packed into it. Archie stood on the stage, two bound Sontarans on either side, and was trying to keep the crowd calm. Badly. The Doctor bounded up onto the stage, placed his finger on his lips and shushed.
Everyone fell silent.
“Oh that still works!” the Doctor said.
“What are you doing?!” hissed Archie.
“Taking control of the situation.” The Doctor replied.
The Doctor turned to the crowd.
“Right then. This lot,” he pointed at the two captive Sontarans, “are part of a larger force. They’re coming to destroy this town. But! We can stop them! They have one weakness. Observe.”
He reached forward and snatched a hammer from a workman’s belt. He walked up to one of the captive Sontarans and whacked it on the back of the neck. The Sontaran gasped in pain and collapsed unconscious. The Doctor twirled the hammer.
“See? One good hit on the back of the neck and they’re out. So? Who here is a good shot?”
Several people raised their hands, including a few children.
“Do we have any weapons?”
People shook their heads. The Doctor frowned.
“Hmm. I’ll have to rethink this. Give me a minute.”
Then he got it.
“I have a plan.”
He grabbed Archie and whispered in his ear.
“You’re mad!” shouted Archie.
“Mad? Or just brilliant?” the Doctor asked.
Archie said nothing.
“Mad then.” The Doctor said.
In the middle of the town, in his invisible tank, Skarr waited for his scouts to report in. Nothing. He grumbled. This was taking too long. Then suddenly-
“Commander Skarr! Commander Skarr! Report!” Staig’s voice came through.
“Report Staig!” Skarr responded.
“The humans captured me, but I managed to escape! They plan to launch a defensive move against us in front of the clock tower! They’re gathering there now!”
“Excellent! We will crush them like the insects they are! Invasion force! You have your orders! For the glory of Sontar!” Skarr roared.
The Sontarans slowly marched into the town square. Something didn’t feel right. There was no one there. It felt wrong. Like it was a trap...
“NOW!” screamed the Doctor.
The Sontarans began to drop like flies. Each one being hit in the back of the neck with a snowball. The Doctor watched with pride from his spot on the rooftops as the citizens of Christmas threw snowball after snowball. After a while, all of the Sontarans were down. The Doctor grinned. Now there was just one last thing to deal with. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver... and pressed the button.
“Invasion force report! Report! Report!” yelled Skarr. He was frustrated. A small alarm began to beep. The Sontaran next to him looked about confused.
“Commander Skarr! That’s the detection warning! Our invisibility is compromised!” he yelled.
“What’s wrong with it?” asked Skarr.
“I don’t know! I can’t see it!” yelled the other Sontaran.
“Well it looks invisible to me.” Said Skarr and he whacked a button to his side. Then he realised he could see his arm...
The tank exploded as a huge ray from above blasted it. When the smoke cleared, nothing was left of it apart from smoke and fire.
“The Papal Mainframe apologises for your death,” a huge booming voice announced, “The relevant afterlives have been notified.”
The Doctor looked down. The unconscious Sontarans below had been dealt the same fate. He grimaced. Tasha’s way of doing things was certainly not to his liking.
The remaining Sontarans on the ship panicked. What to do? Suddenly, a message blared through.
“We seek boarding. Grant permission.” A Sontaran voice boomed.
The Sontarans obeyed and granted permission.
The docking bay doors opened and a Sontaran flight craft landed. A large force of Sontarans disembarked.
One of the Sontarans walked forward to greet the newcomers.
“Good that you’re here, we are in dire need of-“
He never finished. The new Sontarns blasted him away. Before the other Sontarans could speak, the newcomomers blasted them all and worked their way through the ship, killing wherever they went. With their deed done, the Sontarans removed their helmets. One of them walked over to one of the fallen. He spat on the corpse.
“Impure scum. A disgrace to Sontaran purity.” He turned to the assembled Sontarans.
“We will be the ones to capture the Doctor, conquer Trenzalore and begin war! Sontar ha!”
“Sontar ha! Sontar ha!” chanted the Sontarans.
The Doctor walked back into the clocktower, waving away the congratulations from members of the town. He sat down and sighed. Then he looked up. Archie was stood there waiting.
“I don’t like you.” Archie said.
“Oh, and here I thought we were best buddies.” The Doctor said.
Archie scowled.
“You’re reckless. You’re putting everyone here in danger and you know it. One day soon, you’ll slip up. Someone will die. And then everyone here will want your blood. And I’ll be first in line.” Archie threatened.
The Doctor looked up at Archie.
“You don’t have a girlfriend do you Archie?” he said.
Archie scowled and left.
“Is he gone?”
The Doctor looked round.
April was stood on the stairs.
The Doctor nodded. April walked down the stairs, pulled up a chair and sat opposite the Doctor.
“Sorry about him. He can be a little... tense.” She said.
“I feel sorry for his family, they have to deal with him on a daily basis.” The Doctor muttered.
“Yes I do.” April said.
“Oh.”
“Yes.”
“He’s your...”
“Yes.”
“Your mother?”
“She died. He raised me.”
The Doctor sighed.
“That explains the attitude.”
April looked uncomfortable.
“So these Sontarans... tell me about them.”
The Doctor gave a quizzical look.
“Tell you what?”
“Well you’ve obviously met them before, tell me about those times.”
The Doctor leaned back in his chair.
“You’re inquisitive April. Excellent quality. Well I suppose a little story won’t hurt. I hope I remember all the details. Let’s see... ah yes. I was on Earth at the time. Working at UNIT for my friend Alistair, although he was more commonly known as the Brigadier. Anyway I was on staff, helping out with the odd alien incursion and that, much like what happened today. That’s when I met Sarah Jane. Oh Sarah Jane. My Sarah Jane. I could talk about her all day...”
April leaned forward, hanging on every word.
Deep in the woods, at the crash site of the Sontaran pods, something stirred. A hatch on one pod, unknown to even the Sontarans, opened and out came small metal creatures. They scuttled across the clearing into the woods. A middle aged man was out for a midnight stroll. It would be his last. The creatures pounced on him, harvesting what they could. After what must have seemed like hours, they broke apart. But the man was gone. Instead there was only a metal suit of armour. The metal man stood up, looked about and walked into the forest, soon lost among the trees...
“I don’t like you.” Archie said.
“Oh, and here I thought we were best buddies.” The Doctor said.
Archie scowled.
“You’re reckless. You’re putting everyone here in danger and you know it. One day soon, you’ll slip up. Someone will die. And then everyone here will want your blood. And I’ll be first in line.” Archie threatened.
The Doctor looked up at Archie.
“You don’t have a girlfriend do you Archie?” he said.
Archie scowled and left.
“Is he gone?”
The Doctor looked round.
April was stood on the stairs.
The Doctor nodded. April walked down the stairs, pulled up a chair and sat opposite the Doctor.
“Sorry about him. He can be a little... tense.” She said.
“I feel sorry for his family, they have to deal with him on a daily basis.” The Doctor muttered.
“Yes I do.” April said.
“Oh.”
“Yes.”
“He’s your...”
“Yes.”
“Your mother?”
“She died. He raised me.”
The Doctor sighed.
“That explains the attitude.”
April looked uncomfortable.
“So these Sontarans... tell me about them.”
The Doctor gave a quizzical look.
“Tell you what?”
“Well you’ve obviously met them before, tell me about those times.”
The Doctor leaned back in his chair.
“You’re inquisitive April. Excellent quality. Well I suppose a little story won’t hurt. I hope I remember all the details. Let’s see... ah yes. I was on Earth at the time. Working at UNIT for my friend Alistair, although he was more commonly known as the Brigadier. Anyway I was on staff, helping out with the odd alien incursion and that, much like what happened today. That’s when I met Sarah Jane. Oh Sarah Jane. My Sarah Jane. I could talk about her all day...”
April leaned forward, hanging on every word.
Deep in the woods, at the crash site of the Sontaran pods, something stirred. A hatch on one pod, unknown to even the Sontarans, opened and out came small metal creatures. They scuttled across the clearing into the woods. A middle aged man was out for a midnight stroll. It would be his last. The creatures pounced on him, harvesting what they could. After what must have seemed like hours, they broke apart. But the man was gone. Instead there was only a metal suit of armour. The metal man stood up, looked about and walked into the forest, soon lost among the trees...
Next Time: Fairytale of New York
When Christmas faces an unusual menace, the Doctor begins to question whether this strange new force may have different motives to the rest of the attackers. Is there something else to be won in Christmas? Realising that the Doctor has more to do with the war than he lets on, Archie begins to turn to darker contacts as he decides that he'll go to any lengths to protect his town.
Friday 12th December at 5:00
When Christmas faces an unusual menace, the Doctor begins to question whether this strange new force may have different motives to the rest of the attackers. Is there something else to be won in Christmas? Realising that the Doctor has more to do with the war than he lets on, Archie begins to turn to darker contacts as he decides that he'll go to any lengths to protect his town.
Friday 12th December at 5:00